Full Circle

I say it all the time, but life is crazy. As I grow more and more in my journey, I love being able to look back at how far I have come. I’m sure many can relate to the different seasons of life that I have been in. The odds are that some of you may even be stuck in a difficult place that I grew to know all to well, with symptoms like depression, anxiety, or fear. Just know that I am here to help you. I am here to be your coach, to help you find your inner light. I believe that the same light and power that raised Jesus from the grave lives in those of us who love Him.

Years ago, after escaping an unhealthy relationship and going through extensive therapy, I can remember coming to a moment when I hit the ‘Okay, what’s next?” phase of healing. Even though I knew I was ready to move forward, I had a lot of work to do. I was scared. The thought of living alone mortified me. My fear lead me back to my parents home and I opted to stay with them for TWO months. But healing comes in phases and this phase with mom and dad helped me to take the next step forward. A new beginning.

After finally deciding that enough was enough, it was time to face my fears and move back into my own home. Those first three weeks I slept with every light on for fear of what might be or could be lurking. Slowly, the lights started to go out one by one as I gained enough strength, learning to how to live on my own, alone. Eventually, I learned to love the solitude, embracing life on my own! I went to movies alone, I went to eat alone, I actually learned to thrive while on my own. I never saw myself as an introvert, but after conquering my fear of solitude, I loved to simply be alone. This self confidence ultimately helped me to take the next step forward.

As for the next phase, I knew I needed to find a way to let someone else back into my world. But the thought of being with someone seemed impossible. I couldn’t imagine letting my guard down in order to let someone in. Am I good enough? How do I please this person? I have been a bachelorette for so long, how can I let someone come in and take what I’ve worked so hard to get back after all these years?

I can almost feel God laughing at me as I look back on the times when I’ve been completely and totally paralyzed by fear. He could see the future all along. I was just trying to control it.

When I met Ben, I had forgotten what it was like to even be in a relationship. Another reason why I know Ben is a Godsend, because God knew it would take a strong man to love an abused woman. Ben lived out-of-state and I can remember being filled with anxiety the first few times Ben would come into town to see me. I was so used to being alone, living my own routine, and now I was tasked with keeping another human occupied for more than twenty-four hours. What on earth was I supposed to do?

When Ben would leave, he seemed to struggle being apart a lot more than me. I, as always, craved my alone time. I never thought I would see the day where I would miss another human so much that I could hardly sleep. Which brings me to this blog post.

You see, life is crazy. You have NO idea the things God has planned for you. Ben left for an overseas work trip on Friday morning and I am so happy officially to announce that I MISS HIM. Believe it or not, I miss everything about him and I am so excited for when I get to see him again in a few weeks.

Even though I never thought I could be alone. I did. Even though I never thought I could love again. I did. Even though I never thought I would miss sleeping with my husband at night. Now I do. I write this to simply say that there is hope. There is hope for all who believe in the power of Christ. It so funny how things work out. I am so thankful for the full circle that lead me to where I am now. Thriving alone, because I am a strong, independent woman, but also missing her husband because he really is my better half.

Whatever season you’re in, know there is hope and this too shall pass.

Ben SwailsComment