Life is but a dream
I turn thirty tomorrow. It's crazy for me to type those words. It’s funny because in my early twenty's I thought thirty sounded so old. Then in my mid-twenty's, I used thirty as a sounding board for everything.
"Oh, by the time I’m thirty, I will have it all figured out." By now, according to the personal time line I had planned for my life, I am supposed to have two children, a successful career, a wonderful marriage (of course), and a beautiful home. And yet, by the time I wake up tomorrow morning on my thirtieth birthday I will find that I have no children, I am not married, no career, and I still cut my legs while shaving.
I learned so much about life from the age of twenty to twenty-five and then again from twenty-five to thirty. I have watched myself grow as a person while overcoming roadblocks and hurdles, all while facing different forms of adversity. What I found most interesting is that when I finally stopped planning out every detail of my life, I actually started living.
I had a list a mile long to share with you guys... Things that happened in my twenty’s; some very dark and emotional moments, a terrible battle with depression, and not to mention a period of incredibly hard abuse. However, as I worked through this list I noticed a shift happening. It was like a light switch came on. I believe with all my heart that it started with my fervent prayers --- the prayers that happened when I was in such a dark time and needed all the hope I could possibly hold on to.
Then here came Benjamin. A man who has opened up my world and mind more than any other human possibly has. I have always known in my heart that God has something huge in store for me and he’s going to use the pain and hurt that I've endured to help as many people as possible. But, sending me a man like Ben, has far succeeded my expectations.
So much of my twenties have been dark. Filled with such a deep depression that I often wonder how I even managed to get out of bed and into work. And yet, I met this man when I was 29 years old. And the colors of my twenties went from black to vibrant purple.
Everyday is an adventure. Everyday is something new. I am reminded each time I sit long enough to think about it that I am about to move across the country, from Kentucky to California, and leave everything I’ve always known behind. People question that all the time. Fair enough. However, they don’t know the hours I spent praying and dreaming for a man like this, a man who encourages me to become the best version of myself. One of Ben's favorite quotes says, “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” And I couldn't agree more.
I say all this because I’m so thankful. That today as I look back on my twenties I didn’t see the darkness that I used to feel. I see light. I see so many lessons learned. I see that I don’t have to have my life figured out and all planned out to keep moving forward. I am covered from head to toe in Gods grace. My cup runneth over.
I have no idea what my thirty’s hold. In fact, I am not planning a single thing. Literally, I am moving to California with the mindset, "use me Lord, however you can!" I mean really, who knows where I will end up!?
It's not how you start the race, it’s how you finish. And you guys.... so many things can change in a year.... you must keep going! I am beyond blessed to close another decade of a beautiful journey that ultimately lead me to where I am right now, sitting in a place where I'm able to pour my heart out to you about how exciting life can actually be.
Life is funny though, because what I envisioned about turning thirty, is in fact nothing like I had planned. It’s far better.
So here I go, heading into a new decade with so much gratitude I could burst, and so much love in my heart for a man that I didn’t know was possible, and a new adventure planned out that I still have no clue where it’s going to take me.
Oh, life is but a dream. Cheers to my twenties. It’s been a beautiful ride.
What do you have in store for me thirty? I’m ready for ya!!